Advice from Someone Who's Been There

1. Whoops. Got new job and started new internet show. Forgot to blog.
2. Only Brian reads this anyways.
3. Sometime when it's almost midnight and you've just polished off a bottle of champagne, switching to bourbon is not the best idea. Maybe just go to bed instead, ok?

Keenly Aware of the Value of a Dollar

I'm only almost 28. Or I'm practically middle-aged with one foot in the grave, depending on my perspective that day. The thing is: I feel like I must actually be 72 or something because I am continually amazed that things cost what they do.

For example, it kills me to spend more than $20 on a pair of shoes. When is the last time a decent pair of ladies' shoes cost fewer than $20? I'm guessing it was when I was still wearing children's sizes or even before. Yet, all my adult life I'm constantly on a quest to find a pair of nice shoes in a price range WHERE THEY DO NOT EXIST. And if I'm being completely honest, I'd really rather they were $15.

My most recent pricing irritation relates to dust mops. I want to buy a dust mop for $12-$15. THEY ARE NOT OUT THERE. I've looked all over the internet - eBay, craigslist, froogle et al. I'm going to be forced to spend at least $25.

I'm not entirely sure who to blame, but Swiffer is at the top of my list. It's a whole separate topic, but stupid Swiffer has made disposable desirable thereby rendering cleaning tools that have been used effectively for centuries obsolete BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WASH THEM INSTEAD OF JUST FILLING A LANDFILL WITH THEM.

New and Innovative Products

Funny how a commercial for a product called "Acid Wear" can sound like "Ass Aware" when one is barely listening and a weed whacker is running in the distance.

Oh that my ass were small enough for me to be UNaware of it.

Conventional Wisdom

So I was outside cleaning my window fans, finally having reached a point of frustration with them such that I no longer cared about their electrical well-being. They don't unscrew so there was no way to get at the blades manually and the thick layers of Los Angeles air dirt rendered vacuuming, air cans and any other cleaning options useless.

It seemed a good spray down was the only option before me. But what of the fans' moving motor parts? There was a time when I cared. It was past.

I decided the first step was to spray the grates and blades down with a good dousing of nature's grease cutter, vinegar. Then as if by magic, the dirt immediately loosed. It was beautiful. I nearly cried. Next up, I strapped the hose sprayer adapter onto the water source, set it to stun (Jet) and sprayed away like a maniac inflicting a shower of gunfire on her enemy. The whole thing was over in flash. I left the lifeless fans in the sun to cook and dry out.

Later, when I went to check on them, I noted something that prompted this tome. I'd left the vinegar spray bottle outside and now there was a FLY ON IT. I guess you can get a few flies with vinegar. Which explains how that hateful Elizabeth Hasselbeck (Or Crappelbeck, I like to call her) has any family or friends.

Dogs: NOT That Different Than Me

We both hate it when the Jehovah's Witnesses come to the door peddling their message of hope.

Reminiscing

You know what I miss? Saltine crackers.

Of course, they're still around, but I just don't eat them much anymore. There was a period of my life when I would often mix up a can of tuna fish with some mayo and relish and crack open a sheath of saltine crackers.

You can do the math from there. It was tasty.

That is all. You can thank me later for sharing this delightful anecdote, Internet.

The Ultimate Material

"So... what are we going to do about this whole having-kids-during-end-times-global-warming thing?"

"Um, duct tape?"