Because five years is so obvious.



There is no equilibrium in my mind lately. I feel like I should have a warning tattoed on the side of my head about its contents. I'm in a constant state of push and pull against myself. To be honest, I'm feeling a little like Gollum* right now.

For example my inner dialogue goes something like this:

"I'm doing a great job. Each day I accomplish at least something. Rome wasn't built in a day."

""Noooooo! We hates the something. We're useless. We don't do anything worthwhile."

A more concrete example: this morning I literally just stood in front of the mirror for a bit, weighing the pros (clean mouth, fresh breath) and cons (lots of gagging) of scraping my tongue. In the end, I scraped. Like every other morning.

Conflict is supposed to be the "thing" that fuels stories. Makes it interesting. But right now, it's really just making me feel like I live on the outskirts of Crazyville.

*How dorky IS this blog anyway? I'm not even *that* person, but already, in its short existence, this page has seen Harry Potter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Lord of the Rings mentioned. And I've never even seen Star Wars.


Dogs: Different Than Me

Because when I lie awake at night, in the wee hours of the morning, I'm not obsessively licking my feet. I'm obsessively worrying about money.

Mission Accomplished, Sensei

We totally saw TMNT. And it was better than imagined.

Honestly, I'm not a movie reviewing blogger, but TMNT is worth the price of admission (besides the great story, it was simply the most beautiful animated film I've ever seen). And nachos. Oh, and don't forget your rum. But here's a tip: if it's a self-serve fountain, put the soda in first. Because if you, um, add the liquor first, it eats through the wax and you might - hypothetically, of course - spill soda all over the theater. And that, my friends, is no way to have a cowabunga-good-time.

P.S. To the filmmakers: did the actual conversation about April O'Neill go like this, "No, no. Make her arms skinnier and her RACK larger. No even bigger than that. And can you do something about her waist?"


Dogs: Different Than Me

Call me crazy, but I have better things to do with my time than look for new and "interesting" places to poo in the yard.


Lyrical Master

Sometimes I like to look up lyrics to popular music on the inter-web and then sing along, home alone, like it's my own private karaoke. Dolly Parton really loves it. She chases me all around and tries to lick my face whenever I'm belting one out (My dog, not the acclaimed, petite Country-Western singing icon).

Anyhoo... one recent lyrics search returned this:

Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo

Those, my friends, are the "lyrics" at the beginning of Gwen Stefani's "The Sweet Escape."

Dogs: Different Than Me

Because if my toothpaste tasted like savory chicken or beef, I would enjoy having my teeth brushed a whole lot more.

An Open Letter to Google

Dear Google,

I heart you, but it makes me completely despondent to think that we'll never enjoy an employee/employer relationship just because I'm entirely unqualified to work for you. As such, I offer up the following list of my stellar attributes that might persuade you to hire me in lieu of a kick ass resume:

1. Because I'm, like, really, really nice and your motto is all about not being evil and stuff.
2. I have two dogs named Grandpaw and Dolly Parton and I would totally bring them to work to amuse people. Do you know we trained Grandpaw to close the door on command?
3. That's just one step away from teaching him to get a beer from the fridge. Think about that for a hot minute.
4. I work really hard at stuff that I'm obsessed with as long I'm obsessed.
5. I don't know what that could be at your company.
6. But if we figured it out -- well, see reason number 4 above.
7. I cook lots of tasty food and then bring it to work to share.
8. Because I don't need all those calories.
9. I am particularly innovative at household solutions.
10. Like for example, I'm really bad at putting away my clothes, so you know what I did? I outfitted a wardrobe with tons of hooks and now I just hang my clothes on the hooks when I'm not wearing them, and they're not all over the floor anymore.
11. "Marta: Too Lazy for Hangers or Folding!"
12. Do you think that's a good slogan for me? I just liked yours so much, I thought...
13. I've been watching a lot of Law and Order lately so if you have any legal questions and your "guys" are busy, I could probably provide a passable answer.
14. Mixes a mean cocktail.
15. I should have a Bloody Mary now. That sounds good.
16. Damn, just remembered: out of V8.
17. Recently started using coupons (read: fiscally minded).
18. My husband is really rad. He knows a lot of stuff so if I was working for you, I could always ask him for help when I didn't understand all your computer-y stuff.
19. If compensated well enough, I'm one hell of a snappy dresser.
20. I really need some yellow patent leather peep toe pumps.
21. And a timeless black pencil skirt.
22. Never had a cavity. Ever. Think about how much money you could save on dental insurance thanks to me.
23. I used to be a television reporter so I can regale you all with stories about frenzied crime scenes and salty old news directors.
24. Actually all my news directors were just kind of 30-something dicks trying to prove themselves through the power of micromanagement.
25. But still, crime scenes and live television. Fascinating!
26. Loves linen water (read: always smells nice).
27. Is it okay to end on the linen water one? It's kind of weak, but I'm tired of this.


Big Brother

They are reading my ranting.


Cruel & Unusual

Don't they say torture doesn't effectively motivate a person to reveal anything? I think they do. But since our President is so keen on torturing people, I have a step-by-step idea for him.

1. Get the terrorists' dental impressions
2. Have them wear bleaching trays twice a day for an hour each time
3. On the sixth day, have the terrorists wear the bleaching trays to bed BECAUSE THE DENTIST SAID THEY COULD WITHOUT ANY ILL CONSEQUENCE
4. The next day ask them anything and they'll tell you whatever you need to know BECAUSE HOLY GOD THE PAIN, THE BLINDING TOOTH PAIN

I don't care what they say, I would tell anyone anything right now. Ow. I think I'm going into shock.


Heroes in a Halfshell*



M reclines on the couch; B on the loveseat as they watch television. Grandpaw and Dolly Parton are sleeping next to them, respectively, on the couches.

B fast-forwards through the commercials. He stops short and plays the new trailer for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. As it ends -

That actually looks pretty good.

Uh. Yeah. (a beat) That looks really good.

And all the early buzz is that it's good...

Dude, seriously, that looks smuggle-some-rum-in-and-get-some-nachos -- nachos, not popcorn, because-we're-not-screwing-around -- good.

"Nachos: Because You're Not Screwing Around. That should be the Nacho Board's slogan or something.


*Alternate title: Please Forgive the Lack of Formatting on Blogger.