Because five years is so obvious.

3.19.2007

An Open Letter to Google

Dear Google,

I heart you, but it makes me completely despondent to think that we'll never enjoy an employee/employer relationship just because I'm entirely unqualified to work for you. As such, I offer up the following list of my stellar attributes that might persuade you to hire me in lieu of a kick ass resume:

1. Because I'm, like, really, really nice and your motto is all about not being evil and stuff.
2. I have two dogs named Grandpaw and Dolly Parton and I would totally bring them to work to amuse people. Do you know we trained Grandpaw to close the door on command?
3. That's just one step away from teaching him to get a beer from the fridge. Think about that for a hot minute.
4. I work really hard at stuff that I'm obsessed with as long I'm obsessed.
5. I don't know what that could be at your company.
6. But if we figured it out -- well, see reason number 4 above.
7. I cook lots of tasty food and then bring it to work to share.
8. Because I don't need all those calories.
9. I am particularly innovative at household solutions.
10. Like for example, I'm really bad at putting away my clothes, so you know what I did? I outfitted a wardrobe with tons of hooks and now I just hang my clothes on the hooks when I'm not wearing them, and they're not all over the floor anymore.
11. "Marta: Too Lazy for Hangers or Folding!"
12. Do you think that's a good slogan for me? I just liked yours so much, I thought...
13. I've been watching a lot of Law and Order lately so if you have any legal questions and your "guys" are busy, I could probably provide a passable answer.
14. Mixes a mean cocktail.
15. I should have a Bloody Mary now. That sounds good.
16. Damn, just remembered: out of V8.
17. Recently started using coupons (read: fiscally minded).
18. My husband is really rad. He knows a lot of stuff so if I was working for you, I could always ask him for help when I didn't understand all your computer-y stuff.
19. If compensated well enough, I'm one hell of a snappy dresser.
20. I really need some yellow patent leather peep toe pumps.
21. And a timeless black pencil skirt.
22. Never had a cavity. Ever. Think about how much money you could save on dental insurance thanks to me.
23. I used to be a television reporter so I can regale you all with stories about frenzied crime scenes and salty old news directors.
24. Actually all my news directors were just kind of 30-something dicks trying to prove themselves through the power of micromanagement.
25. But still, crime scenes and live television. Fascinating!
26. Loves linen water (read: always smells nice).
27. Is it okay to end on the linen water one? It's kind of weak, but I'm tired of this.

2 comments:

Brian said...

hahahahaha. How can we get this to Google?

MC said...

They kind of own Blogger or something, don't they?